I knew something was so disturbingly wrong before I was even able to open my eyes. As I tried so hard to swim the the surface, to break through to the other side of consciousness, I knew that something was completely off. As I cracked my eyes open, blurry eyed, I could just make out the uniformed guard with a shotgun in his hands, gazing at his prisoner. How on earth did I end up in this place? And why did it hurt so badly?
Where was I taken hostage you ask? In all places, I woke up in a hospital, taken hostage by my own body. I went into surgery to have a seriously messed up ankle injury fixed. When I awoke afterwards, I was in far more pain than even the original injury caused. I drifted off to sleep in a sleepy, haze as I counted backwards from 100; and awoke to the feeling of lava surging through my ankle. The pain was so intense, so searing and deep, cutting, to the bone, unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. I begged them for some relief and was confused as to why I would feel so much worse. The vibrations of the road on the drive home sent waves of nausea coursing through my body, the bass line coming off a nearby car sent tears streaming down my cheeks.
My doctor told me that it was the bone settling, that there was a lot of pain associated with the bone reconstruction. I was told then, after a year went by that I needed to get a grasp on the fact that I was no longer going to be the skater that I was before the accident; and that alone can be a powerful, painful realization that could be coming out. I knew that wasn't the case. I have always known my body very well, known when I was injured badly, or rather could keep skating on something, and this was certainly something different. It took years, more than 10 years to find a doctor that would have the answers. And even after I would find out the name for what it was I was feeling...there still was a lot of confusion as to what unlocked it and truly caused it. Really, that still hasn't been answered to this day.
It's funny, I was so relieved to have a name for it, then to find out there was no cure was devastating. Now, I'm still trying to figure out where it was that was most frustrating difficult, hard to deal with.
