I won' t back down

Yeah.... Not happening.  I have been cut open - more than once... Keep getting pushed around- "you're so young"-"look good"-"are so young".  Well guess what folks?!  I am young, I am still royally jacked up on the inside- but am am still pretty so THANK YOU, kiss my ass and pay me some fucking respect!!!!!!

When did it have to go hand in hand that you are either old or ugly or missing at least a massive limb or some other fill in the effing blank for things to be considered "kosher" on the disability front?  I'm sorry that I make this look "pretty" to you mean person in the parking lot bitching me out for using my placard... Do I get to question you on you apparent ugliness/bitchiness/black heart/etc when you do?  Oh no?  No throwing stones back?  You only like to pretend to be self righteous for my people?  Yeah.... Thanks.... Please STFU and go do something else...

Do I sound mean now?  Good.  I'm getting in touch with my inner bitch to deal with these "helpful" peeps....I'm tired of being bullied bullied by small minded assholes.  Being disabled means more than over 80, missing a limb and super obese.  This is one girl who is done with being bullied by the oh so educated - ROOOOOOAAAAAR!!!!!!

Well I won't back down, no I won't down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell 
But I won't back down
Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
-I won't back down, Johnny Cash American III

Dead Sea

So apt... I feel dead... And yet the lyrics of this effing awesome favorite of mine - my man is also dead to me.  Confused yet?  Welcome to my f'ing life.

So, my body just feel corpse like.  It's just some mean trick that keeps pushing it to keep moving forward... Some sort of sick joke ala "Weekend at Bernie's" thing.  The scarier thing is that it isn't.  The sick and stomach twisting sad amounts of sleep (I.e. NONE!) are in fact real, they aren't a joke of some puppeteer job mad some "haha" moment.  I just feel like a zombie.  I am so tired- but I hurt so much mad am in so much pain that I can NOT get to sleep or even comfortable... *sigh*....

This makes me sad, angry, frustrated, down and ready to just fight anyone.  I am tired, I hurt so much- just let's go.  Unfortunately- that can put my dear man square in the cross hairs.  He wants to fix things, the situation, me- and when I feel crappy- that can be a real molitolv cocktail.  Even when I'm so angry and railing and so mad at the world and ready to just fight- he hangs in there... I don't want to fight him- and he thank god knows this- and he knows that  we both hate fighting the unknown.  But he hangs in and keeps me up- ebven if it's letting me fight to keep me from crumbling so I don't give in.  He knows that sometimes I have to fight or I would just curl up and give up.

I've said it all along-  this disease is f'd up- and there are only a few very select people I'd wish it on.

In the meantime, I need to focus on my strength and my fight.

Like the Dead Sea
you told me I was like the Dead Sea
you'll never sink when you're with me
Oh Lord, like the Dead Sea 
~The Lumineers