the hardest part of sharing this disease is the sharing. sometimes i think it would be easier to carry the burdon alone. i hate seeing my pain reflected back at me. i hate seeing how my answer of "no, i'm still in pain/ in more pain/not better" causes pools of pain to well up in my loved ones eyes. i hate the fights that it causes. i hate that it causes the tides to shift and the oceans that already engulf me to pull me even further out to sea and further away from you. you can't understand why i can't drag myself into the nearest available lifeboat when one presents itself.
the main problem. i'm so run down, so exhausted, so damn bone weary from treading water, from fighting my way to the surface, from trying to not drown under the weight of it, that i'm not capable of pulling myself into even the easiest of life boats. the shore line might be within site. i might even be in waist deep water, but i'm too tired to realize that i can stand up and walk my way in. i'm just overwhelmed and tired and doing my best to take care of my first priority, my baby. i'm so sorry you can't understand why it seems like i'm not doing the obvious things to take care of me. why you think i'm just throwing in the towel. i hate that you think that apparently i'm happier to sit upstairs in pain than help make myself feel better.
if the person that loves me most in the world, the person that should know me best in the world thinks i'm apparently happy to let myself just fall apart, happy to just sit in this hell, it makes me wonder what on earth the rest of the world thinks when they look at me. maybe most people don't even realize the amounts of pain i'm in. maybe most don't even give a damn. but the rest - do they also think i'm happier feeling this pain? do i come off as some sort of a masochist? or just a machine? get up, go in, get it done, do your work, don't feel, don't think, just do.
the thing is. i'm trying to numb myself. i guess in trying to numb myself, in being overwhelmed, in trying to let go of the pain so I don't get carried away and over the edge with it, i just let go to much maybe? but what choice did i have really? i have to be that way. and i don't feel like i have to explain or justify myself to anyone really. i really don't think that anyone else that i know could endure the pain that i do for more than a few minutes at best. maybe some could for a few hours...certainly not days, weeks, months, years - a lifetime.
the main problem. i'm so run down, so exhausted, so damn bone weary from treading water, from fighting my way to the surface, from trying to not drown under the weight of it, that i'm not capable of pulling myself into even the easiest of life boats. the shore line might be within site. i might even be in waist deep water, but i'm too tired to realize that i can stand up and walk my way in. i'm just overwhelmed and tired and doing my best to take care of my first priority, my baby. i'm so sorry you can't understand why it seems like i'm not doing the obvious things to take care of me. why you think i'm just throwing in the towel. i hate that you think that apparently i'm happier to sit upstairs in pain than help make myself feel better.
if the person that loves me most in the world, the person that should know me best in the world thinks i'm apparently happy to let myself just fall apart, happy to just sit in this hell, it makes me wonder what on earth the rest of the world thinks when they look at me. maybe most people don't even realize the amounts of pain i'm in. maybe most don't even give a damn. but the rest - do they also think i'm happier feeling this pain? do i come off as some sort of a masochist? or just a machine? get up, go in, get it done, do your work, don't feel, don't think, just do.
the thing is. i'm trying to numb myself. i guess in trying to numb myself, in being overwhelmed, in trying to let go of the pain so I don't get carried away and over the edge with it, i just let go to much maybe? but what choice did i have really? i have to be that way. and i don't feel like i have to explain or justify myself to anyone really. i really don't think that anyone else that i know could endure the pain that i do for more than a few minutes at best. maybe some could for a few hours...certainly not days, weeks, months, years - a lifetime.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.....me
Unwell - Matchbox 20
