It's so very easy to get mired in the mess of this disease. To get trapped like an animal in quicksand, you try to fight the disease, fight the beaurocracy, fight the tides, but it's a losing battle. You just get pulled down deeper and deeper to a dark place. To a place where you become immobile with the fear. With the pain, the terror, the anger, the grief of the life you had. The heartache and constant stress of medical bills piling up, food still needing to be bought and a family stretched to the max on an income of one. So bitter that I'm unable to move anything forward faster.
And yes, that paralyzes me at times. That floods my brain with worry on top of my worry. I do get bogged down in that stress and that strain- I may not feel human anymore, but I am. So I turn to music. I flip through my collection with a precision and determination of the most skilled choreographer. I once was. I could spend days, weeks, months, dreaming up a theme, finding just the right pieces of music and then sitting up into the wee hours of the morning cutting it until the final piece was flawless. Until it sounded like one perfect piece. I search and I find, skip and move through until I can settle on something that will satisfy my bones (not hurt me with the vibrations), my mind and my soul. I can spend hours surfing around from genre to genre but as I do I often find myself focusing on happier times. Music is memory to me. It transports me back and shows me the future. In my minds eye, I'm me and I'm not falling apart and stressed about no money & big medical, craptastic LTD insurance that keeps trying to give me the cold shoulder and basically the "fuck off". No. When I listen to my music. I remember to find happiness. To count blessings, however small they may be, to smile. And I also occasionally sing "fuck you" when it's the right song.
In the quiet of night, when I'm flooded with pain, awake, alone, scared & so sad- I love this one instrumental song. I don't know how to explain it- bit it makes me feel as though there's something bigger coming down the pike that's better. That its ok to say yes to happiness. To love. To me. I am still worthy.
And yes, that paralyzes me at times. That floods my brain with worry on top of my worry. I do get bogged down in that stress and that strain- I may not feel human anymore, but I am. So I turn to music. I flip through my collection with a precision and determination of the most skilled choreographer. I once was. I could spend days, weeks, months, dreaming up a theme, finding just the right pieces of music and then sitting up into the wee hours of the morning cutting it until the final piece was flawless. Until it sounded like one perfect piece. I search and I find, skip and move through until I can settle on something that will satisfy my bones (not hurt me with the vibrations), my mind and my soul. I can spend hours surfing around from genre to genre but as I do I often find myself focusing on happier times. Music is memory to me. It transports me back and shows me the future. In my minds eye, I'm me and I'm not falling apart and stressed about no money & big medical, craptastic LTD insurance that keeps trying to give me the cold shoulder and basically the "fuck off". No. When I listen to my music. I remember to find happiness. To count blessings, however small they may be, to smile. And I also occasionally sing "fuck you" when it's the right song.
In the quiet of night, when I'm flooded with pain, awake, alone, scared & so sad- I love this one instrumental song. I don't know how to explain it- bit it makes me feel as though there's something bigger coming down the pike that's better. That its ok to say yes to happiness. To love. To me. I am still worthy.
Say Yes ~ Theater Fire
