I tried something that I've been told I should do....I tried to watch some of the National Championships for figure skating. I have avoided watching, hearing, listening or being anywhere NEAR the skating world since MY world got blown apart. I was ripped out of the world of skating. It was as though a locomotive plowed into me and I was somehow suppose to enjoy the world of model trains or something. It is a kick in the gut to watch skating. I want so badly to coach again, to feel the rip of my blade cutting into a fresh patch of ice - support myself through a job I love and believe in....but I can't. I can't put a skating boot on my foot, I can't get on the ice, I can no longer skate. It's just a fact - and it's one that I am well - not ok with. I don't think I'll ever really accept it.
I couldn't understand what happened to me - for so long there were no answers...and then when there were answers -it was still so hard to explain, that it was just easier to remove myself from the equation. To remove myself from the world - as if I never was there. Exit- run for the door and slam it shut. I miss my students, miss my friends from the skating world - I can't believe that anyone could believe that I don't feel as though I'm missing an appendage.
Today was a
rough BAD day. I had buzzing and shattering feeling all through my feet and hands. I thought that some breakfast would make me feel better- but the feeling just spread and intensified - and then led to hives all across my abs and back. So, I laid on our bed, legs propped up, in the softest clothes I could find and stumbled across the US Figure Skating Championship recap...and figured I was already in pain - let's try to watch it. And of course, it was weird. I didn't recognize many of the names - the clubs yes- but the names, not so much. And then it happened - this girl out of Colorado got to the slow piece of her long program...and it was
MY SLOW PIECE!! My Pappy and I shared a love of music. We would sit and talk music for hours and one piece that I incorporated into many programs- that was a favorite of his - that he would whistle around the house - was Rachmaninoff's
Variations on a Theme of Paganini. I heard that and it was like getting an extra kick in the gut. It was my song, my favorite piece...really?? Of all of the songs you just had to have that one?
I was proud of myself. I lasted through 30 minutes of skating -but once that came on - I couldn't take anymore. It was just too much. It was like watching your dog run to a new master. Silly maybe...but I am connected to that piece of music...and I no longer have anything connected to it...my Pappy is gone, my skating is gone - and my health appears to be missing as well....So, the song appropriation by the little teeny bopper was the end of my skating viewing for the day.
I watched, I survived. I found that it was nice to see that I could stand to watch some of the skating - the ice dancing - EASY! Mens - super duper! Pairs - okey dokey. Ladies-...well, ladies- I think it's going to be a bit more time before I can deal with watching you....
And now excuse me, I need to go listen to my i-pod, think happy pink thoughts as they overpower these painful black ones, and remember when....
