A photo can capture a lot, can say so much. There is a photo of my grandmother that I love - I can't tell you who took the photo, or why a camera was there. I just know that her eyes were lit up as she was laughing, there was a board game involved, she was dressed in every day clothes. There was nothing too special - other than the person that it captured. She was laughing, she was happy - her eyes lit up and you could see the sparkle. It captured her fun, her warmth - it was my Gram. It was the snapshot of her that was a quick portrait of her - of what she meant to me, of who she was. And there was nothing about that day I'm sure, that would have led any of us to know that the quick photo snapped - well before digital - would be so wonderful. Would be so essentially her...
That's the thing with candid photos. You never know when a photo snapped will be your favorite of someone smiling..will haunt you for some reason. You can never tell when a quick photo will follow you around and mean so much more. It may be end up being a photo that is so-so and sits in the no-where drive on your computer, or it might end up being a photo that you can't shake, can't get out of our mind. It could be meaningful and be a moment caught in time. You might now know it for some time, but that photo could follow you, haunt you.
This is my haunting photo. My parents came to visit...they stayed through the weekend and I tried as much as I could -but I wasn't able to reschedule my one lesson. She was sweet - just a beginner and eager to learn. My parents were happy to stop by the rink, wait while I taught my 30 minute private lesson and then we'd go out to eat... They were excited to go to a rink again, to "watch me in action". While there - they snapped this photo...me working on basic skills...just teaching -working one-on-one with one of my students. What is so.....sad, happy, wistful, powerful...and well, everything - is that this is my last lesson. The last one I ever taught. I had no idea at the time that this would be my last student. I didn't know that this would be such a momentous occasion. I was close to many of my students...I can't tell you this students name...I can picture her parents faces - both always came to watch the lesson, I can remember her excitement, I can remember many things...but I can't remember her name. I can remember the steps to my very first ever skating program...but this- my last lesson on the ice, the last time - I can't remember the details....I stare and I stare, but I never come up with anything. Sometimes I think I know...but I realize that its just me reaching, just me hoping...I don't know. I don't remember. I had no idea that this would be important, that this would be a big picture day. That it would be "prom picture" big, graduation picture...but not in a happy way. Not the joyous, happy, excited photo...it's like the photo you find after your friend disappeared. I wish I could find that girl, find that happiness again. I was still able to skate- not in the same capacity...no jumps really, but still able to feel the ice under my feet. I was noticing problems, but I thought that with the diagnosis of RSD, I'd be able to find treatments that would control the disease, take away the pain...at least minimize it. I didn't know that I was only beginning the climb. I thought I was nearing the top of my climb only to find that I was at the base of Mt. Everest. And to make the climb..it's been a long, lonely and frightening assent. People can't understand the pain, the disease, the feelings and uncertainty that goes with it.
I look at that photo and I miss that girl. I miss that life. I see pieces of her still...the same face, the same hair..but that is about it. I recognize her, but she's not around anymore. She's missing. She's floating off in space somewhere. I miss her.
Until I can find her...I'll have to keep looking. Maybe I'll put up some missing posters....
