This has been a bad year. This has been the kind of year that makes you question your resolve, your faith, your place in the world....it's been that kind of year. It's been hard. It's been oh so hard. I've been struggling and I don't think that's been a surprise to anyone that knows me or has been following along. That said, there are still moments of joy, moments that spring up and surprise me and remind me that I am loved, that there is hope, that maybe, just maybe - in the grand scheme of things, it will be ok. Maybe this whole shebang could have that happy ending after all.
My little girl has been asking, pleading to learn to figure skate. Of course she has. We have moved back to the town where it all began. Being back in the town where it all started, she has been told what a wonderful skater her mommy was. It's funny - she was told this by other people and after more than one person told her, she asked me later at home if I really was a figure skater. I told her that a long time ago, yes mommy use to skate. She looked hurt, wondered why I didn't tell her. Oh the confusion we cause when we try to protect ourselves from the truth. She really wanted to see Mommy skate,which I tried to explain that mommy could no longer do, but I would try to get her grandparents to send up some video for us to watch together. After much digging around - some video was located (although most of the footage is lost it appears....that kills me, but that's how my year is going.).
My daughter was enthralled watching the footage. Some of the video was just of simple practice sessions with my coach - yet she was so taken with it. She grew more resolved - she wanted to learn to skate AND mommy was going to teach her. UGH. That was a bit of a knife to the heart. I would love to teach her how to skate. I loved coaching - it was my perfect career and I hated having to give it up. I kept explaining that mommy couldn't skate anymore, but that she could still learn how to skate. So, off she went, reeling off waltz jumps through our kitchen excitedly planning her skating lessons in her mind while I hemmed and hawed and never went through with signing her up.
I'm a selfish parent. I couldn't do it. I went on the website. I looked at the coaching roster and the program....I hovered over the signup form and everytime I thought "it should be me taking her out there". And every single time I exited the browser and pushed it out of my mind until she would bring it up again. I was putting my ego, my pride, my hurt above my child's interest and wants. I'm not proud. I knew I needed to get over it. I pretended that I didn't want her to do it because I was afraid she would love it, take a bad fall and get RSD too...but honestly, she could fall playing soccer or tennis or running to the mailbox. It's just me having a block about not being able to skate with her. So, I finally told my husband we could sign her up but he would have to be the one to take her. I couldn't handle it - at least not at first. I was sad, but I was going to have to get over it, over my ego. I felt down as I went online to sign her up for lessons and dragging my feet, I logged into FaceBook first to kill a little more time before doing so. That's when something went right in 2016!
As I navigated around FaceBook, I ended up chatting with my first ever figure skating coach. I adored my first ever coach. I mean ADORE! I had a sleep over at her apartment as a kid and I remember feeling like such a rockstar for it. I was in her wedding. She was just the most amazing figure in my life growing up and I've kept in touch with her over the years since she left our college town. Her daughter now attends college in our town and she is back to visit fairly often. In an unusually bold move on my part- I asked if she still skated at all, and if she did - would she take my daughter out to work with her the next time she came up to visit. I explained that I couldn't, and that it would mean so much to me if she could. She wrote back that she would be happy to and she would be in touch the next time she came in town to visit.
That next time happened this weekend. I cannot begin to explain how amazing it was to watch my daughter go hand-in-hand out onto the ice with my first coach. To watch them work together...I'm tearing up now as I write this. My coaches motions were so familiar even after all these years. It's a language you don't forget - it came back quickly and I knew exactly what she was saying to my daughter even though they were clear across the arena. I saw my daughters eyes light up and how incredibly proud she was as she worked to master skating all by herself, swizzles and backwards wiggles on her first session on the ice! I thought at her young age that she'd last maybe 30-45 minutes at most. We finally got her off the ice after an hour and 45 minutes! We have plans for them to skate together again the next time my coach is in town and my daughter can barely contain her excitement or wait for that to happen.
It's been a hard year so far. There is no denying that it has kicked my butt so far. I am hopeful that we have good things on the horizon. That said, in the depths of my sadness, I have those that have meant the most to me come back around into my life and bring with them unexpected sunshine. For that I am blessed. I don't have a ton of friends. RSD has really weeded out my friends. That said, it has shown me the ones that are really there for me. The ones that are in it for the long haul. The ones that really matter. I've had a week where I've cried more than I have in a long time, felt more pain than I have in a while, had less sleep due to such bad pain and the SCS causing such crazy misfires and yet I've also had some of the most amazing moments of joy mixed in. I've had old friends lift me up, remind that I'm loved, remind me that I've got a support system, that I'm not alone, and held up a mirror that has showed me a glimpse of that girl I use to be.
So, tonight I can drift off to sleep (or try to) and think about my blessings because I do have them. I have my husband, my children, and I am lucky enough to have a few other people in my corner that are with me as I fight this battle. I think I need to stop fearing this year and just be a little more free...or fearless. Being stressed and terrified won't stop the bad things from happening, but it will stop me from enjoying any of the good things that are occurring. If nothing else, I am aware that my children are growing up so quickly and I do not want to miss out on joyful moments with them because I'm fearing "chicken little" moments with the rest of the world.
Nobody knows what I feel inside
All I know, I walked away and cried
I've got dreams
Dreams to remember
Dreams to Remember - Otis Redding
My little girl has been asking, pleading to learn to figure skate. Of course she has. We have moved back to the town where it all began. Being back in the town where it all started, she has been told what a wonderful skater her mommy was. It's funny - she was told this by other people and after more than one person told her, she asked me later at home if I really was a figure skater. I told her that a long time ago, yes mommy use to skate. She looked hurt, wondered why I didn't tell her. Oh the confusion we cause when we try to protect ourselves from the truth. She really wanted to see Mommy skate,which I tried to explain that mommy could no longer do, but I would try to get her grandparents to send up some video for us to watch together. After much digging around - some video was located (although most of the footage is lost it appears....that kills me, but that's how my year is going.).
My daughter was enthralled watching the footage. Some of the video was just of simple practice sessions with my coach - yet she was so taken with it. She grew more resolved - she wanted to learn to skate AND mommy was going to teach her. UGH. That was a bit of a knife to the heart. I would love to teach her how to skate. I loved coaching - it was my perfect career and I hated having to give it up. I kept explaining that mommy couldn't skate anymore, but that she could still learn how to skate. So, off she went, reeling off waltz jumps through our kitchen excitedly planning her skating lessons in her mind while I hemmed and hawed and never went through with signing her up.
I'm a selfish parent. I couldn't do it. I went on the website. I looked at the coaching roster and the program....I hovered over the signup form and everytime I thought "it should be me taking her out there". And every single time I exited the browser and pushed it out of my mind until she would bring it up again. I was putting my ego, my pride, my hurt above my child's interest and wants. I'm not proud. I knew I needed to get over it. I pretended that I didn't want her to do it because I was afraid she would love it, take a bad fall and get RSD too...but honestly, she could fall playing soccer or tennis or running to the mailbox. It's just me having a block about not being able to skate with her. So, I finally told my husband we could sign her up but he would have to be the one to take her. I couldn't handle it - at least not at first. I was sad, but I was going to have to get over it, over my ego. I felt down as I went online to sign her up for lessons and dragging my feet, I logged into FaceBook first to kill a little more time before doing so. That's when something went right in 2016!
As I navigated around FaceBook, I ended up chatting with my first ever figure skating coach. I adored my first ever coach. I mean ADORE! I had a sleep over at her apartment as a kid and I remember feeling like such a rockstar for it. I was in her wedding. She was just the most amazing figure in my life growing up and I've kept in touch with her over the years since she left our college town. Her daughter now attends college in our town and she is back to visit fairly often. In an unusually bold move on my part- I asked if she still skated at all, and if she did - would she take my daughter out to work with her the next time she came up to visit. I explained that I couldn't, and that it would mean so much to me if she could. She wrote back that she would be happy to and she would be in touch the next time she came in town to visit.
That next time happened this weekend. I cannot begin to explain how amazing it was to watch my daughter go hand-in-hand out onto the ice with my first coach. To watch them work together...I'm tearing up now as I write this. My coaches motions were so familiar even after all these years. It's a language you don't forget - it came back quickly and I knew exactly what she was saying to my daughter even though they were clear across the arena. I saw my daughters eyes light up and how incredibly proud she was as she worked to master skating all by herself, swizzles and backwards wiggles on her first session on the ice! I thought at her young age that she'd last maybe 30-45 minutes at most. We finally got her off the ice after an hour and 45 minutes! We have plans for them to skate together again the next time my coach is in town and my daughter can barely contain her excitement or wait for that to happen.
It's been a hard year so far. There is no denying that it has kicked my butt so far. I am hopeful that we have good things on the horizon. That said, in the depths of my sadness, I have those that have meant the most to me come back around into my life and bring with them unexpected sunshine. For that I am blessed. I don't have a ton of friends. RSD has really weeded out my friends. That said, it has shown me the ones that are really there for me. The ones that are in it for the long haul. The ones that really matter. I've had a week where I've cried more than I have in a long time, felt more pain than I have in a while, had less sleep due to such bad pain and the SCS causing such crazy misfires and yet I've also had some of the most amazing moments of joy mixed in. I've had old friends lift me up, remind that I'm loved, remind me that I've got a support system, that I'm not alone, and held up a mirror that has showed me a glimpse of that girl I use to be.
So, tonight I can drift off to sleep (or try to) and think about my blessings because I do have them. I have my husband, my children, and I am lucky enough to have a few other people in my corner that are with me as I fight this battle. I think I need to stop fearing this year and just be a little more free...or fearless. Being stressed and terrified won't stop the bad things from happening, but it will stop me from enjoying any of the good things that are occurring. If nothing else, I am aware that my children are growing up so quickly and I do not want to miss out on joyful moments with them because I'm fearing "chicken little" moments with the rest of the world.
Nobody knows what I feel inside
All I know, I walked away and cried
I've got dreams
Dreams to remember
Dreams to Remember - Otis Redding
