In the lead up to my big visit to the Cleveland Clinic I have so many questions swirling in my mind. I have so many unanswered questions, and I'm trying so hard to not get my hopes up too high. These doctors that I'll be seeing, while very intelligent and at the forefront of the field, do not hold all of the answers. They (unfortunately) do not hold the key to fixing me, to making me whole again. It's hard really. People that see me hurting are so excited for me to see the doctors out there, but I'm cautious, and at times concerned by how enthusiastic they are, how much hope they are pinning on this visit. I want to warn them, scream and clang bells that I won't be put back together. Much like humpty dumpty, my tumble down off the wall has left me in too many pieces. No matter how much I wish I could be whole again, no matter how much I dream of waking up and not being in pain, of just being able to walk normally, being able to get up out of a chair, off the ground, to kneel on the floor with my baby- these things will not return to me simply because I've gone to the Cleveland Clinic.
Can the CC offer me more treatment options than are available where I live? Yes, absolutely. Can they provide me with a higher level of care that will result in a (hopefully) higher level of functioning? Yes, more than likely they should. Can they make this all go away and make me a totally normal and healthy 33 year old woman? No. No they can not. Do they hold all of the answers and the only treatments? No, they most certainly do not.
I'm faced with a lot of questions and soul searching -both going into this visit and I think coming quickly on the heels of the visit. Questions of work, life, health, happiness balance. Questions of mind over body. Questions of how hard to push and when is it too hard and too much. Questions of taking that scary first step into the unknown and going out into untested waters. Both in treatments and in professional life. All of these things have ramifications on my home life. Most important of which is making sure that my baby girl have the absolute best life possible. My life and my quality of life now comes second. She is first. I am second. That is just the way it is going to be.
I feel like I'm speeding along -flying too fast along a blind curve; not knowing what it is that is around the corner, how sharp of a hairpin turn it is, and I feel the wheels starting to slide across the center line. I feel that I'm in for a big shift, a big change. Something has got to give. Something is going to happen. It's building. I feel it. I just don't know where all the changes will be coming from. I just have to keep faith that I can keep my head above water and do my best. That together with my husband we'll be able to weather whatever new storm we encounter.
I'm peering out into the darkness and I can't see a thing. I'm stretching, I'm hesitating. All of my senses are alive. I'm ready to take that first step. The only question is - will it be a small step to meet my foot, a giant drop down in the floor, a riser that I bang my shin on? I guess only time will tell....
Can the CC offer me more treatment options than are available where I live? Yes, absolutely. Can they provide me with a higher level of care that will result in a (hopefully) higher level of functioning? Yes, more than likely they should. Can they make this all go away and make me a totally normal and healthy 33 year old woman? No. No they can not. Do they hold all of the answers and the only treatments? No, they most certainly do not.
I'm faced with a lot of questions and soul searching -both going into this visit and I think coming quickly on the heels of the visit. Questions of work, life, health, happiness balance. Questions of mind over body. Questions of how hard to push and when is it too hard and too much. Questions of taking that scary first step into the unknown and going out into untested waters. Both in treatments and in professional life. All of these things have ramifications on my home life. Most important of which is making sure that my baby girl have the absolute best life possible. My life and my quality of life now comes second. She is first. I am second. That is just the way it is going to be.
I feel like I'm speeding along -flying too fast along a blind curve; not knowing what it is that is around the corner, how sharp of a hairpin turn it is, and I feel the wheels starting to slide across the center line. I feel that I'm in for a big shift, a big change. Something has got to give. Something is going to happen. It's building. I feel it. I just don't know where all the changes will be coming from. I just have to keep faith that I can keep my head above water and do my best. That together with my husband we'll be able to weather whatever new storm we encounter.
I'm peering out into the darkness and I can't see a thing. I'm stretching, I'm hesitating. All of my senses are alive. I'm ready to take that first step. The only question is - will it be a small step to meet my foot, a giant drop down in the floor, a riser that I bang my shin on? I guess only time will tell....
Bittersweet memories of the road to my regret
Tryin' to change the whole world, ain't nobody did it yet,
Yeah this life can be cruel, yeah this life ain't always fair
yet we hope to ascend to the place we send our prayers
But do you, do you, do you know where you're going?
The Long Way Home - MOFRO
