I'm a cold weather warrior. Sniper. If you're not from the right coast I'm a goofy foot, hard charging figure skater.... from back in the day. Past tense. Damn past tense. I was. I was/am a lover of the english language as well....and well, I also don't know which way I fall. I am. I was. And according to my husband there's still hope....and I like to hope there is... but I don't hold much hope.
Coming out of remission sucks. Being free of your disease is amazing. You're Superman. You're bulletproof. I remember that feeling. It's called life pre-RSD. Honestly, I was such a blissful, reckless, happy, dumbass. I took it all on the chin and just kept rolling. Now, it's an uphill climb to get out of bed. Yet I've got kids and that's not an option so I've gotta gut it out. It's amazing how your competitive spirit shows up in different ways. In my reckless youth it was competively with broken bones, now its young kids with a husband with a busy schedule, no help and only one night away in 4 1/2 years. I chuckle when I see others that I use to have as contemporaries doing their little posts about "winning" or "going hard" and I know how much help they have in child care, how many nights away they get, how many resoritive nights of sleep they get, couples vacations....but end game - I fight a bigger battle, I'm not a show boater and never did that game, my kids know me and love me for the fight I give and you never win when you look at what others are doing.
That brings me to whats currently to what's happening in the world. Rio. Ugh. The Summer Olympics. As a winter girl you would think that this wouldn't bother me - and yet this is totally messing with me. It's messing with my mind, bothing me each and every night and making me want to go break some glass, box some people or fight some crime. Why? Those damn human interest stories. That asshole Bob Costas. Yep. You heard me, Bob Costas, he's an asshole. Oh, she never thought she'd make the Olympics because of her disease, but thanks to her doctors, she 's here!!!! Or blah blah blah. Thanks Bob - go F yourself! (Well, I have other reasons to hate Bob, but this is my main reasons to hate him for now....he's inaccurate). It would be great to think that you could have a disease but be on your game and find good medical care and go about your life...HAH! I have a disease and see the best in the world and we still can't seem to do shit. Which is why we're doing Eastern medicine, a service dog and anything else non Western...because that route hasn't helped.
RSD hit my life and slowly I've had to fight to live my life. It's sucked out my life. It's taken minutes, hours, days, weeks and months of my life away from me. Nothing has helped. I'm trying to fight back - diet, medications, lifestyle modifications, lifechanging surgeries, physical therapy- the list goes on....I've struggle to get this monster off my back, out of my body. It's a mean disease. It's wicked and cruel. Few understand these things...
On the McGill Pain Index (what doctors use to measure pain) it's more painful than unprepared childbirth or the amputation of a digit. Storms equal pain - and they only have to be in a few hundred miles of me to do that. I'm good at making sure you don't see my pain, I hate when others see me cry/weak - a rollover from my competitive days. I still spend a good amont of time beating myself up for not being able to heal myself. Stupid/silly/nonsensical. All of the above. Yes. Yet, I overcame so much in skating from beating landings that I was too far from vertical to stay up and yet I did, to injuries that I shouldn't have come back from that I did that makes me still beyond frustrated that I haven't beat my body into submission.
The Olympics is a time when you believe in the impossible. When you believe in the great American Dream. The time when you think how amazing things can be. I see more aged joggers out than ever before - and good for them! But that makes me so frusrated! I simply want to be normal. My normal. I don't want to be in super mode that I once was, I don't even want to compete anymore....I just want to get out of bed. I want to be able to hold my son without hurting myself. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy life while I'm still here. It's so very painful and hurts so much. It's so hard to get around .....I want to be able to smile, enjoy and love what's happening. That would be my Olympic moment.
I got guns in my head and they won't go
Spirits in my head and they won't go
......
And I don't want a never ending life
I just want to be alive while I'm here
"Spirits"
Strumbellas
Coming out of remission sucks. Being free of your disease is amazing. You're Superman. You're bulletproof. I remember that feeling. It's called life pre-RSD. Honestly, I was such a blissful, reckless, happy, dumbass. I took it all on the chin and just kept rolling. Now, it's an uphill climb to get out of bed. Yet I've got kids and that's not an option so I've gotta gut it out. It's amazing how your competitive spirit shows up in different ways. In my reckless youth it was competively with broken bones, now its young kids with a husband with a busy schedule, no help and only one night away in 4 1/2 years. I chuckle when I see others that I use to have as contemporaries doing their little posts about "winning" or "going hard" and I know how much help they have in child care, how many nights away they get, how many resoritive nights of sleep they get, couples vacations....but end game - I fight a bigger battle, I'm not a show boater and never did that game, my kids know me and love me for the fight I give and you never win when you look at what others are doing.
That brings me to whats currently to what's happening in the world. Rio. Ugh. The Summer Olympics. As a winter girl you would think that this wouldn't bother me - and yet this is totally messing with me. It's messing with my mind, bothing me each and every night and making me want to go break some glass, box some people or fight some crime. Why? Those damn human interest stories. That asshole Bob Costas. Yep. You heard me, Bob Costas, he's an asshole. Oh, she never thought she'd make the Olympics because of her disease, but thanks to her doctors, she 's here!!!! Or blah blah blah. Thanks Bob - go F yourself! (Well, I have other reasons to hate Bob, but this is my main reasons to hate him for now....he's inaccurate). It would be great to think that you could have a disease but be on your game and find good medical care and go about your life...HAH! I have a disease and see the best in the world and we still can't seem to do shit. Which is why we're doing Eastern medicine, a service dog and anything else non Western...because that route hasn't helped.
RSD hit my life and slowly I've had to fight to live my life. It's sucked out my life. It's taken minutes, hours, days, weeks and months of my life away from me. Nothing has helped. I'm trying to fight back - diet, medications, lifestyle modifications, lifechanging surgeries, physical therapy- the list goes on....I've struggle to get this monster off my back, out of my body. It's a mean disease. It's wicked and cruel. Few understand these things...
On the McGill Pain Index (what doctors use to measure pain) it's more painful than unprepared childbirth or the amputation of a digit. Storms equal pain - and they only have to be in a few hundred miles of me to do that. I'm good at making sure you don't see my pain, I hate when others see me cry/weak - a rollover from my competitive days. I still spend a good amont of time beating myself up for not being able to heal myself. Stupid/silly/nonsensical. All of the above. Yes. Yet, I overcame so much in skating from beating landings that I was too far from vertical to stay up and yet I did, to injuries that I shouldn't have come back from that I did that makes me still beyond frustrated that I haven't beat my body into submission.
The Olympics is a time when you believe in the impossible. When you believe in the great American Dream. The time when you think how amazing things can be. I see more aged joggers out than ever before - and good for them! But that makes me so frusrated! I simply want to be normal. My normal. I don't want to be in super mode that I once was, I don't even want to compete anymore....I just want to get out of bed. I want to be able to hold my son without hurting myself. I want to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy life while I'm still here. It's so very painful and hurts so much. It's so hard to get around .....I want to be able to smile, enjoy and love what's happening. That would be my Olympic moment.
I got guns in my head and they won't go
Spirits in my head and they won't go
......
And I don't want a never ending life
I just want to be alive while I'm here
"Spirits"
Strumbellas
