2013. So far I have to say, this is not looking like my year. Although, seeing that it is so early in the year, I'm hoping that there is just plenty of time for a turn around, a righting of the ship, the stars to re-align, the fates to smile upon me again - all of that happy stuff. I like happy endings, happy stories, believing in happy things. Silly me. Silly, silly me. I still would like to believe in that fairy tale stuff. What's that again, oh yes. Happy endings, people doing the honorable thing, the good guy winning, yes, yes, that stuff, the fairy tale stuff. Ahh, sarcasm and depression, it appears that 2013 is going to be filled with it. Weeeee.
I've been a girl who has played by the rules her entire life. I've worked hard since I was a little girl at her sport and at school. Worked and held down a job since I was 12. I have wonderful relationships with my family. I respect and love my grandparents and all elderly as a matter of fact (oh the youth, don't get me started on what we have done with our entitled "everyone wins a ribbon" culture), never broke curfew as a teen, never even went to a party in high school because I was too focused on school and my sport. Really, I followed all of the rules. And I was happy to do it. So why, oh why am I being punished with this cruel disease? Why am I being tortured and punished day in and day out like a baby bunny in a viscous ferral cats paws? Being kept just alive enough to be bled out some more, but not alive enough to escape.
I'm dealing with crooked companies that are trying to dodge duties, denials to get procedures done, red tape galore and a million other problems. My husband told me the other night "the hotter the fire the strong the steel" - well, I must be bulletproof. I wish I was. But I feel like I'm just getting more fragile by this treatment and this bullying rather than stronger as a result. My blood pressure is spiking from pain and from stress now. I can't see straight from the strain of it all. I don't understand why this is happening. I have some telling me to turn this over to God and that he will guide us through this. I have others telling me that I have to fight harder. I have others still that still just tell me that I "look good".... Oh that damnable "you look good" curse. Yes, yes. If you don't look closely at me, you won't notice that I flinch if you get too near me, that my eyes are tinged with pain and half-dead looking, that I'm a shadow of who I was. That I am decaying and not in a pretty way right before my eyes, but yes, yes, if you don't look close, if you don't really notice me, if you just look at a surface glance really quickly, then yes, I look good.
I need to keep my strength up. I need to find it in myself to breathe deeply. To calm my heartbeat before I have a stroke. To try to keep my migraines down to under 3 a week. To find a a sense of calm in knowing that if nothing else, I will get my story out - so that others can know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones going through this. I need to stay strong. It's the continued story of being the girl lit of fire from within, lava in place of blood, bones breaking and body falling apart. I feel as though I'm weighted down with anchors, strapped to me and I am 20 feet under the surface. My lungs are burning - but I'm not going to give up yet. I'm not going to just sink to the bottom and surrender yet. I'm still going to try to swim and kick for the surface. Even though it's torture, even though it hurts so badly, I'm going to try to find my way to the surface and breathe.
So, happy new year. Bear with me. Be kind and whatever you do, don't tell me "but, you look good"... because I'll crack you in the shins with my cane should you.
I've been a girl who has played by the rules her entire life. I've worked hard since I was a little girl at her sport and at school. Worked and held down a job since I was 12. I have wonderful relationships with my family. I respect and love my grandparents and all elderly as a matter of fact (oh the youth, don't get me started on what we have done with our entitled "everyone wins a ribbon" culture), never broke curfew as a teen, never even went to a party in high school because I was too focused on school and my sport. Really, I followed all of the rules. And I was happy to do it. So why, oh why am I being punished with this cruel disease? Why am I being tortured and punished day in and day out like a baby bunny in a viscous ferral cats paws? Being kept just alive enough to be bled out some more, but not alive enough to escape.
I'm dealing with crooked companies that are trying to dodge duties, denials to get procedures done, red tape galore and a million other problems. My husband told me the other night "the hotter the fire the strong the steel" - well, I must be bulletproof. I wish I was. But I feel like I'm just getting more fragile by this treatment and this bullying rather than stronger as a result. My blood pressure is spiking from pain and from stress now. I can't see straight from the strain of it all. I don't understand why this is happening. I have some telling me to turn this over to God and that he will guide us through this. I have others telling me that I have to fight harder. I have others still that still just tell me that I "look good".... Oh that damnable "you look good" curse. Yes, yes. If you don't look closely at me, you won't notice that I flinch if you get too near me, that my eyes are tinged with pain and half-dead looking, that I'm a shadow of who I was. That I am decaying and not in a pretty way right before my eyes, but yes, yes, if you don't look close, if you don't really notice me, if you just look at a surface glance really quickly, then yes, I look good.
I need to keep my strength up. I need to find it in myself to breathe deeply. To calm my heartbeat before I have a stroke. To try to keep my migraines down to under 3 a week. To find a a sense of calm in knowing that if nothing else, I will get my story out - so that others can know that they are not alone. They are not the only ones going through this. I need to stay strong. It's the continued story of being the girl lit of fire from within, lava in place of blood, bones breaking and body falling apart. I feel as though I'm weighted down with anchors, strapped to me and I am 20 feet under the surface. My lungs are burning - but I'm not going to give up yet. I'm not going to just sink to the bottom and surrender yet. I'm still going to try to swim and kick for the surface. Even though it's torture, even though it hurts so badly, I'm going to try to find my way to the surface and breathe.
So, happy new year. Bear with me. Be kind and whatever you do, don't tell me "but, you look good"... because I'll crack you in the shins with my cane should you.
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it off , shake it off, shake it off
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it Off
Florence and the Machine
