I keep thinking - it's been eleven years since RSD has taken over my system...you would think that by now I would be accustomed to the strange sensations, feelings, zings, stabs, aches and pains - to name a few feelings - that I feel each and every day. And yet, each zing that wings its way from the mid-point of my foot up to hip and back down again, each constant throb of tendon that feels as though some rogue fisherman has managed to hook my Achilles and is pulling with all his might to yank the line free, each hot, thick and dripping blood feeling down the outside part of my leg - that is nothing at all never ceases to surprise me. The sensations take my breath away, a sucker punch to the gut each time.
I hate that on bad pain days, I can tell you the sensations that I'll feel- zingers, pings, lightning bolts, throbbing, bone smashed by hammers....but I have only been able to steel myself so much. I have only been able to turn my brain off, turn my emotions off so much. I hunch a bit more at the shoulders, have a little more difficult time catching my breath from the pain, have a difficult time keeping the tears out of my eyes.
In the end, I'm not sure if I wish I was more adapted to the pain, better able to put everything into a steel box and lock it away. Or if I am happy that these painful feelings still elicit emotions and feelings in me -because after all, doesn't that make me somewhat human still? Make me a still at least a little bit....normal?
