Maybe it's the wee hours, or the wine, or the massive meds to help me with sleep & pain... But it makes you see things.... People, life, events, through a different scope. It's honestly like closing my eyes and watching a movie of my life unfold. Right now I love it. I'm still at the part where I'm whole, I'm healthy, I'm untouched by this f'n disease. I can still move without pain- break into a jog, skate, hike, sleep- live my life!! I'm me! It's me before the pain started etching lines and wearing worry into my face. People that don't know me don't really see it, but if you look into my eyes, it's there.
Crazy "fun fact". My husband has actually never known the real me. I mean, yes he knows me- my real name, who I am & all - but all the me that was damaged by RSD already. He never knew me before it took hold. That saddens me to my core.
But the sweet thing? Our daughter. She amazes me and lifts me and makes me want to keep going every day for her. I want to be strong enough to have another child too! I want us to be more confident in my life and choices.…I just want her happy, protected & wanting for nothing. I want her to have her mama. A mama that is closer to whole than closer dead. A mama that doesn't taste the blood in her mouth from biting down on her tongue to choke down the scream - because a loving hug from her baby girl rockets pain through her system. I'm going to fight for my girl, my sweet thing. She makes life worth fighting for, worth pushing through the pain, enduring the unendurable.
For her, I am bullet proof.
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
That's shining in your eye
Sweet Thing -Van Morrison
