Self worth is a tricky thing. When you're a child you don't even think about it. You simply roll along in your world and you happily dance along, proud of your accomplishments be they small or large. I see that now as a parent myself as I'm cheering my children along and try to help build up their spirits and sense of pride and self-worth. You work so hard as a parent to a child to help create a sense of self worth to this little person who is just entering the world and learning who they are. It's quite the process, especially when you are struggling to find and build self worth as an adult at the same time.
Now that I'm middle aged and find myself adrift - no longer a child earning top marks in school, no longer an athlete performing and receiving medals and trophies for my performances, no longer in the workforce receiving performance based bonuses - it has left a void in my self worth department. A lot of a persons self worth is tied to their identity. In this day and age - much of our identity is tied to your job. What is your title and how fancy does it sound? Back in the day I was never known by my first name, it was always with "the skater" attached, as though that was my christian name. After the accident and my retirement from coaching, I become the Development Officer. Ooooh, I know what you're thinking - fancy. Eh, not really. It was one of those things in life that fell under the category of being good at but having zero passion for. Perhaps if I had been raising money for a cause I was passionate about that would have changed things, but my speciality was law schools....not really anything that rang my bell so to speak. After that I went to the Stewardship department side of things when the travel was breaking down my body too quickly, but again, the office setting was too hard on my body and my bad days were out numbering my good ones and I could never predict when I would be ok to sit at a desk for any length of time. So, at last, I had to throw in the towel. At that point in time, I had no title left but "Mrs".
I'm very proud to be a Mrs. I love my husband. He is my best friend and we are closer than any other couple I know. That said, I don't want the "Mrs" to be what define who I am. I no longer had a job to help define who I was. I was reluctant to let the RSD be what defined me. I didn't want to let that monster be what defines me. I felt as though if that was all that was left of me, then I had lost. I tried to push the notion of what defines who I am at the core of me out of my mind, yet it kept rearing up in my thoughts. I met with a new doctor and part of the new patient intake involved a "get to know you" worksheet (oh yay!). As I went through the document, I became more and more downcast. I had "n/a" to list as my work. Under hobbies and interests I also wrote none, scratched that out and put down "my children", then proceeded to scratch that out again and begin to wish I could just be anywhere else in the world. My children aren't a hobby. The are my life. They are my lifeline. They are what tether me, what keeps me pushing the rock up the hill in the world. They are what make me smile when all I want to do is lay down and sob. They are what make me pull out a well loved book and try to find calm rather than pull out a bottle of wine and try to find escape from pain.
So you see, this brings me back to that self worth thing. How do you define yourself when you're left with your life in tatters. When you're left wondering who you are and question everything that is left for the most part. My husband is pained by this subject quite frankly. He loves me. He adores me. I know he does. The problem is - I don't love me. I'm angry at me. I'm still mourning the loss of me, the person I was, trying to work through quite frankly the rage that I feel at times that I'm left with so much pain in this body. It's mind blowing to me that a body can feel this much pain. There are times when the pain rockets so high, when my pain circuits misfire so badly and the air feels too heavy with sounds that hurt, when every fiber in my being wants to explode and my heart hammers like a race horse firing full out around the track and I think, "this is it. This is the end of me". And in that moment, I fully expect to have a stroke or heart attack or implode from the pain, because it feels as though there is no way that I can possibly bear it. My code for this with my pain doc is Barbaro... So, how do I recreate self worth out of these ashes? How do I find it within myself to love me again. To forgive myself for not being able to heal. To forgive myself for not being able to stay in remission after my pregnancies like I had hoped and prayed for. To forgive myself for being a flawed individual with an invisible disease.
I think I keep looking to my children because they look at life at the most basic level and that's where I have to start to build back up from. They don't know any of the person I was before, and they don't analyze who I am today. They just know that they love me. For simple reasons. I'll take it. I got extra hugs and kisses tonight, along with being told I was the best mommy ever. I didn't do anything amazing, it was just because... Maybe she knew I needed to hear that. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm going to try to remember to be kinder towards myself.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got a thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I Would Be Good ~ Alanis Morissette
Now that I'm middle aged and find myself adrift - no longer a child earning top marks in school, no longer an athlete performing and receiving medals and trophies for my performances, no longer in the workforce receiving performance based bonuses - it has left a void in my self worth department. A lot of a persons self worth is tied to their identity. In this day and age - much of our identity is tied to your job. What is your title and how fancy does it sound? Back in the day I was never known by my first name, it was always with "the skater" attached, as though that was my christian name. After the accident and my retirement from coaching, I become the Development Officer. Ooooh, I know what you're thinking - fancy. Eh, not really. It was one of those things in life that fell under the category of being good at but having zero passion for. Perhaps if I had been raising money for a cause I was passionate about that would have changed things, but my speciality was law schools....not really anything that rang my bell so to speak. After that I went to the Stewardship department side of things when the travel was breaking down my body too quickly, but again, the office setting was too hard on my body and my bad days were out numbering my good ones and I could never predict when I would be ok to sit at a desk for any length of time. So, at last, I had to throw in the towel. At that point in time, I had no title left but "Mrs".
I'm very proud to be a Mrs. I love my husband. He is my best friend and we are closer than any other couple I know. That said, I don't want the "Mrs" to be what define who I am. I no longer had a job to help define who I was. I was reluctant to let the RSD be what defined me. I didn't want to let that monster be what defines me. I felt as though if that was all that was left of me, then I had lost. I tried to push the notion of what defines who I am at the core of me out of my mind, yet it kept rearing up in my thoughts. I met with a new doctor and part of the new patient intake involved a "get to know you" worksheet (oh yay!). As I went through the document, I became more and more downcast. I had "n/a" to list as my work. Under hobbies and interests I also wrote none, scratched that out and put down "my children", then proceeded to scratch that out again and begin to wish I could just be anywhere else in the world. My children aren't a hobby. The are my life. They are my lifeline. They are what tether me, what keeps me pushing the rock up the hill in the world. They are what make me smile when all I want to do is lay down and sob. They are what make me pull out a well loved book and try to find calm rather than pull out a bottle of wine and try to find escape from pain.
So you see, this brings me back to that self worth thing. How do you define yourself when you're left with your life in tatters. When you're left wondering who you are and question everything that is left for the most part. My husband is pained by this subject quite frankly. He loves me. He adores me. I know he does. The problem is - I don't love me. I'm angry at me. I'm still mourning the loss of me, the person I was, trying to work through quite frankly the rage that I feel at times that I'm left with so much pain in this body. It's mind blowing to me that a body can feel this much pain. There are times when the pain rockets so high, when my pain circuits misfire so badly and the air feels too heavy with sounds that hurt, when every fiber in my being wants to explode and my heart hammers like a race horse firing full out around the track and I think, "this is it. This is the end of me". And in that moment, I fully expect to have a stroke or heart attack or implode from the pain, because it feels as though there is no way that I can possibly bear it. My code for this with my pain doc is Barbaro... So, how do I recreate self worth out of these ashes? How do I find it within myself to love me again. To forgive myself for not being able to heal. To forgive myself for not being able to stay in remission after my pregnancies like I had hoped and prayed for. To forgive myself for being a flawed individual with an invisible disease.
I think I keep looking to my children because they look at life at the most basic level and that's where I have to start to build back up from. They don't know any of the person I was before, and they don't analyze who I am today. They just know that they love me. For simple reasons. I'll take it. I got extra hugs and kisses tonight, along with being told I was the best mommy ever. I didn't do anything amazing, it was just because... Maybe she knew I needed to hear that. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm going to try to remember to be kinder towards myself.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got a thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I Would Be Good ~ Alanis Morissette
