The devil. God. Heaven. Hell. It's the stuff that people go to war for. The stuff that people fight and kill over. I'm not here to argue that or spark a debate over either one. Sometimes I can't help but wonder though..... I don't know how you don't see God when you're in nature....when I can find some respite from the pain by stopping and allowing myself to soak in some sunshine on my weary bones, listening to the birds calling to one another and gazing out onto the rolling hills. and the Devil. Well, I met the Devil 14 years ago. He and I have too close a relationship due to the RSD...I'm forever tempted to pull that trigger, to make that final decision, to join his team. Lucky for me, and unlucky for him - I'm one strong willed, bull headed woman that keeps pushing that rock up the hill, only to start over again the next day. I may not be greek...but I married a wonderful Greek man. And now I'm living my own greek story...I'm pushing that rock up the hill. And forever will be.
It was another really hard day. I thought I was hiding it well. Thought I was deflecting it well. I guess not so much. I got called out on the pain in my eyes. How fragile I looked. How worried someone was for me. That I wasn't to stay just to be a martyr. That shocked me. I thought I had covered my pain well. I didn't realize that people that know me in the peripheral would be able to pick up on these things. I though that they would just be oblivious...I guess because usually people are usually so busy telling me how good it is, how lucky I am, how fine I look, that I didn't think anyone could be capable of acknowledging how I really am. It was a shock. And it honestly was refreshing. It was the truth. It felt good to feel like I was really being seen.
I've had to set my pride aside and use my cane this week. In my early 30's and using a cane. I may not be that into caring about how I look (or so I tell myself), care if I have spit up in my hair....but using a cane in my early 30's...that's a hard pill to swallow. I just wanted to use it and put my head down and not acknowledge it. I just wanted to use it and not make a big deal out of it. My boss - my big boss - on the other hand - was loud and made comments about how fancy my cane is.... it was mortifying. I hated it. I wanted to hit him with it. It was like -hey - please call MORE attention to this. I was so so so mortified. I hated him for it. But, I'm more stable with it - and honestly, I'm giving into things. I am not the stable person I use to be. I'm a lot more stumbly. I get more off balance and I need help walking more. So, I just put my head down - and that's the way it is. I just am getting better at letting go of things. Do I wish that I was back to my size 0 and totally healthy able bodied self- of course!!!! Can I let that drive me crazy - no. So, I'll try to do the best that I can and just soldier on. What else can I do?
Here's hoping tomorrow is a little better than today. If not that, than let it not be worse.
It was another really hard day. I thought I was hiding it well. Thought I was deflecting it well. I guess not so much. I got called out on the pain in my eyes. How fragile I looked. How worried someone was for me. That I wasn't to stay just to be a martyr. That shocked me. I thought I had covered my pain well. I didn't realize that people that know me in the peripheral would be able to pick up on these things. I though that they would just be oblivious...I guess because usually people are usually so busy telling me how good it is, how lucky I am, how fine I look, that I didn't think anyone could be capable of acknowledging how I really am. It was a shock. And it honestly was refreshing. It was the truth. It felt good to feel like I was really being seen.
I've had to set my pride aside and use my cane this week. In my early 30's and using a cane. I may not be that into caring about how I look (or so I tell myself), care if I have spit up in my hair....but using a cane in my early 30's...that's a hard pill to swallow. I just wanted to use it and put my head down and not acknowledge it. I just wanted to use it and not make a big deal out of it. My boss - my big boss - on the other hand - was loud and made comments about how fancy my cane is.... it was mortifying. I hated it. I wanted to hit him with it. It was like -hey - please call MORE attention to this. I was so so so mortified. I hated him for it. But, I'm more stable with it - and honestly, I'm giving into things. I am not the stable person I use to be. I'm a lot more stumbly. I get more off balance and I need help walking more. So, I just put my head down - and that's the way it is. I just am getting better at letting go of things. Do I wish that I was back to my size 0 and totally healthy able bodied self- of course!!!! Can I let that drive me crazy - no. So, I'll try to do the best that I can and just soldier on. What else can I do?
Here's hoping tomorrow is a little better than today. If not that, than let it not be worse.
And what doe a mirror show you
Can you see the grey
Your sadness is quite lovely
But it is the sadness of a slave
Why don't you give your self a rest
Give yourself some room
you can't get your arms round everybody
You cannot carry the doom
Of the living and the dying, how easily you bruise
Oh Dehlia don't go round when the Devil's loose
A.A. Bondy - When the Devil's Loose
