I'm trying so hard to find my footing, find firm ground. I'm trying to be strong, trying to take things in stride, trying to do what I know lot's of other people have to march out and do every day. The problem... I try not to compare myself to other people. Because that is where it starts to get sticky. That is where it starts to fall down...that is when my house of cards collapses and I remember just how unlike the rest of the my friends, the world (for the most part) I really I am. If I let myself start to really look - it's not an apples to apples sort of thing. I'm not a mom like her going off to work having to leave her baby. Other mom's I've talked to said that they do their best to not picture their babies while they are away because it makes them sad and teary and they don't want to get upset. If they can get focused on work, they can zone out. Well, that works for them, and kudos. The problem is...that does not work for me.
See, I'm in a world of pain. And my little girl is what helps me not focus on my pain. She is what helps me hold on when it hurts so much. Her smile, her giggle, her need for her mama - is what keeps me grounded, is what keeps my car firmly moving in my lane and not jerking into a concrete barrier because I can't bear this pain anymore. See, I can't start comparing now can I? And I can't start sharing, because as good of a friend as most people want to be, hell, as good of a relative as most people want to be - most people do not want to know the deep, down nasty dirty painful truth. They want to think that it's all frothy and light. And I wish it were. So I'll give them that. I'll let them pretend. I want to. I want to pretend.
And I do. I hold onto my daughter, I hold her close, I breathe in her smell, I snuggle her close and I am absolutely greedy about my time with her - and I will fight for every second I can with her- because I don't get enough. I want more. Each second, each minute soothes my tortured body and calms my mind. My heart sighs and I can let myself relax with her...we melt into one another as I hum softly and I watch her enjoy her bottle. I forget that I had to battle my demons to make it home safely to her. But I have to keep her face at the forefront of my mind. I have to make sure that I don't make mistakes.
You're caught searching for an answer
When you're stuck in the middle
Of a place that you don't belong
When you start to lose sight of what's right and wrong
Hurricane Waters - Citizen Cope
