Help!

One of the things that worries my mind the most is the, presumably, impending loss of independence.  While I have been amazingly fortunate - or as much as one can get with RSD - I know that the sands in my hourglass are slipping through and that eventually its going to catch up with me.  Hopefully it won't for a long time to come yet.  And hopefully there will be more answers to come in the future that will make it not a permanent issue, but the plain fact of the matter is that I will and have already started to notice a loss of my independence.

Things that used to be so easy for me have gotten so much more difficult.  Shopping at the grocery store, getting up from a chair, navigating a crowded sidewalk - all of these things take a major mental pep talk to myself and concentration in a way that I would have never imagined myself having to do.  At least not in my thirties.  Maybe in my eighties yes.  But my thirties.  No, I did not foresee myself having to give myself a pep talk to make it through a grocery store for a handfull of much needed items, all the while I'm in there gripping my shopping cart so hard that my knuckles turn white, smiling at strangers with my teeth clenched the entire time in my head screaming "please don't get near me, don't hit me with your cart, watch where your going!!!!"  By the time I make it back out to my car I'm exhausted and it's laughable.  It was a freaking trip to the grocery store. And yet, I feel like, wow, look at what I accomplished!

I'm torn between being proud of myself for still being able to get all of these things done on my own, still being able to navigate a busy store, a crowded campus and slog away at work, and the other half of me thinks that I can feel myself winding down like a toy that is slowly running out of its batteries.  My muscles are spasming, my body is unhappy and I know that I want to exercise and try to get off this baby weight and see if that helps...but when?  Between being in so much pain and getting up early, rushing to work, rushing home, juggling work and baby, and then soaking up every second with my girl- by the time her bedtime rolls around - I'm exhausted.  It's all I can do to get a few things done and just fall on my face.  There isn't time to take care of me.  I keep hearing how "important" it is to take care of myself -but when that is suppose to magically happen and take place is beyond me.  There isn't time in the day and I can't sacrifice any of the few hours left for sleeping as I feel like a zombie as it is.  If I'm going to stick to my 4 F's diet and stay off the caffeine, I've got to keep what little hours of sleep I've got.

So, I guess I need help trying to figure this out.  I guess I'm going to have to get better adjusted to the idea that I'm going to need more not less help in the future.  Which is a hard pill for me to swallow - as someone that has always liked to be so independent and self sufficient.  What I have to realize is that it won't do me any good to not ask for help and do things all by myself just to prove I can - and then hurt myself worse- because that will only detract from my abilities to be the best mommy that I can be.  I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind when I find myself wanting to dig my heels in.

Still.  I just wish I could figure out how to balance this better.  Maybe it will get easier.  It's only been a week.  It's just been so hard on my body.  The earlier hours.  The sitting in an office chair.  The clocking in.  And it's only going to get worse.  And I feel so much worse than I did last week.  Maybe I'll hear some good news, some hopeful ideas next week.  And maybe I'll get some other things figured out.  I just.  I hate feeling like everything is out of my control.  I hate feeling so vulnerable.  I hate feeling so weak.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways

My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

But every now and then, I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need you now like I've never done before.

Help! - The Beatles

skaters waltz

The cold air is biting against my cheeks.  I shiver slightly and flex my feet in my boots, feeling my laces bite into my landing foot ever so slightly. I knew I should have laced them up again, I always like to re-lace my landing foot skate an extra time or two before taking the ice, but I was in such a rush.  The skater ahead of me is almost done with her program.  I grasp onto the dasher boards and proceed to do some deep knee bends to keep legs limber and my nerves in check.  It feels like forever since I've competed.  I try to push these silly thoughts out of my head and I look around at the crowd and the arena.  I don't recognize it really, although it looks vaguely familiar.  As I switch to hopping up and down lightly at the side of the rink I begin to wonder if this girls program will ever end.  It feels as if it is taking a lifetime for her to complete her program!  I am ready to get out there!   Finally!  Her music ends and she sweeps into a deep curtsey.  I carefully slip my skateguards off and prepare to step onto the ice when I notice a shifting and an odd sensation....I feel like I'm drifting, but I'm not on the ice yet.  All of a sudden I realize what's happening and I try to stop it.  I fight it.   I cling on with both hands, but it is no use.  I'm waking up from my dream, and as usual lately, it's too soon for me to get out on the ice.

I used to have skating dreams still after my RSD diagnosis and I would skate in my sleep.  I would feel the wind against my face, and I would feel myself as I would "do" layback spins, double loops, ina bauers, all of my favorites maneuvers.  Lately though, if I do happen to dream and remember it, I always wake up too soon.  I get ready to skate.  I'm there, I'm ready to compete.  I feel ready, I'm confident and I'm going through all of the old rituals.  But something always happens so that just before my left skate (always the left skate!) hits the ice, I wake up from my dream and I don't get to go skating.  

Isn't it funny how things go.  But in the same token...I do get to have some wonderful visits in my dreams, even if i don't get to go skating anymore in them.....