I dreamed that I was skating last night. I was flying across the ice...different pieces of music kept playing, and I kept wondering why they couldn't find my music. None of the pieces were my music. I kept trying to skate to each piece that played, and each time, I would realize that no, that was not my music either. I was constantly chasing the music.
I awoke and despite never finding my music, I am always happy to dream of skating. I stayed up far too late watching the pairs final, and had to get up far too early for a job that brings me pain and no joy. I went and ran the course, jumped through the hoops and at the end of the day I showed up to my physical therapy appointment. I gritted my teeth as I pushed myself to make my feet move the bike pedals. I did laughable exercises for a former athlete. I test drove my new cane.
As I did laps around the therapy room, I was praised for how well I was doing, and told that in no time I would be doing "so great". I had to smile, grit my teeth some more. They were sweet and kind there. But I had to get out of there, before the tears that were threatening to spill over started running down my face.
This was too much. I am watching my former lover -my sport on tv. I dream of choreographing beautiful skating number again....and am getting praise for my endurance to make 3 whole laps with my cane around the therapy room.
I know that life is cyclical. That we go through phases. That hopefully this too shall pass. Maybe I am being humbled for some reason, reasons that I will some day understand. But in the meantime... I think I'll go back to dreamland- and hopefully find the music I'm suppose to skate to.
