Pain. Four little letters. Four tiny little letters that are so utterly, incompletely lacking in describing the soul crushing and shattering feel that it can wield. Pain has so many layers, levels and depths and yet there are no words. I find myself fumbling to explain. The tears well in my eyes, I lower my head, I give a nod to acknowledge said pain and hope that with time it will ease. That some of that pain will not leave the blood pumping wildly out of the heart.
Physical pain is something that I am quite accustom to. It is as automatic to me as breathing. To wake up pain free to me is to wake up and know that I have a baby in my belly. Pain is always with me. Always clawing at me, trying to pull me down and drag me to bottom. Some days I am the stronger opponent. Others, PAIN is the bully that repeatedly throws me down the stairs, sends lightning bolts down my limbs, breaks my bones underneath my skin, makes any movements on my skin excruciating, mere sound waves send pain throughout my entire system. How I long to hibernate like a bear. To crawl in a cave and wait it out. Life isn't like that. I look for joy. I seek out the small points of life. I seek out anchors to this world to keep me here.
My sweet, sweet German Shepherd was one of those anchors. She was a loyal, protective amazing girl. She had a larger than life personality. She was my nocturnal girl, staying up with me through the painful nights. Her large bat ears and big nose poking over the corner of the bed to check on me through the late nights of my struggling to find relief. She also had a rare auto immune disease. It struck her around 5 years old and it was painful for her. I was constantly looking for ways to help make her life better. We treated her both conventionally and holistically. We had a rough go of it a few years back, but we really turned this corner this past year. Her coat was beautiful again and I felt hope. Both for her, but for US.
My husbands always is cheering me on. Telling me that there will be a breakthrough. That RSD will not ruin my life. That there will be a cure, or a better treatment in my lifetime. I keep my heart and hope guarded. This is a miserable life, to make ones self get up day after day in the amount of pain I'm in - and to know that this is your life....It takes a strong mind set. You have to have anchors to those you love. You have to have solid reasons tying you to this earth. With my sweet German, seeing her improve; it gave me hope. It put an inkling of hope in my heart that maybe, just maybe the words my husband kept saying to me were true. That I should have hope. That maybe I wouldn't be a prisoner of war in my body for my entire life.
Pain entered again and decided to make that a hardened mindset. My darling girl, my sweet German is gone. As we were winning against her autoimmune, CANCER decided to get its claws in her. We had less than 7 days from diagnosis to death. Laying on a blanket as the February sunshine warmed us and the birds sang their farewells, I had to let my girl go to the other side. And along with her the hope that I started to build up in my heart.
I'm gutted by her loss. I miss her presence. Her personality, her spirit. The pain that has been left in her wake is so physical, so enormous. I find myself doubled over at times, breathe gone and throat caught. My hope is in tatters. This pain, this grief is such a heavy burden. I feel guilty that I couldn't save her. That I couldn't save us. I feel at a loss. I feel shaken that one of my anchors to this world h as been ripped away and so suddenly.
When you have something like RSD, and to the degree that I do, you don't have a large social circle. I've left for weeks at a time and no ones noticed. I have my family, my husband, my children and my parents, siblings but aside from that, I don't have any people that notice that I'm around. I'm more of a ghost at this point in time. RSD has erased me. To lose my sweet German, to lose my daily companion that cared and depended on me is so difficult.
I'm grieving. I'm in a flare. I'm sick. I'm worried by how very sick I am. My body doesn't want to function. I'm tired. I wish that four letter word would just east up...because I know the PAIN will never go away.
And oh, this too shall pass
This loneliness won't last for long
...
So when you hear my voice
And when you hear my name
May it never give you pain
Cause I don't wanna go
But it's time to leave
Gale Song ~ The Lumineers
Physical pain is something that I am quite accustom to. It is as automatic to me as breathing. To wake up pain free to me is to wake up and know that I have a baby in my belly. Pain is always with me. Always clawing at me, trying to pull me down and drag me to bottom. Some days I am the stronger opponent. Others, PAIN is the bully that repeatedly throws me down the stairs, sends lightning bolts down my limbs, breaks my bones underneath my skin, makes any movements on my skin excruciating, mere sound waves send pain throughout my entire system. How I long to hibernate like a bear. To crawl in a cave and wait it out. Life isn't like that. I look for joy. I seek out the small points of life. I seek out anchors to this world to keep me here.
My sweet, sweet German Shepherd was one of those anchors. She was a loyal, protective amazing girl. She had a larger than life personality. She was my nocturnal girl, staying up with me through the painful nights. Her large bat ears and big nose poking over the corner of the bed to check on me through the late nights of my struggling to find relief. She also had a rare auto immune disease. It struck her around 5 years old and it was painful for her. I was constantly looking for ways to help make her life better. We treated her both conventionally and holistically. We had a rough go of it a few years back, but we really turned this corner this past year. Her coat was beautiful again and I felt hope. Both for her, but for US.
My husbands always is cheering me on. Telling me that there will be a breakthrough. That RSD will not ruin my life. That there will be a cure, or a better treatment in my lifetime. I keep my heart and hope guarded. This is a miserable life, to make ones self get up day after day in the amount of pain I'm in - and to know that this is your life....It takes a strong mind set. You have to have anchors to those you love. You have to have solid reasons tying you to this earth. With my sweet German, seeing her improve; it gave me hope. It put an inkling of hope in my heart that maybe, just maybe the words my husband kept saying to me were true. That I should have hope. That maybe I wouldn't be a prisoner of war in my body for my entire life.
Pain entered again and decided to make that a hardened mindset. My darling girl, my sweet German is gone. As we were winning against her autoimmune, CANCER decided to get its claws in her. We had less than 7 days from diagnosis to death. Laying on a blanket as the February sunshine warmed us and the birds sang their farewells, I had to let my girl go to the other side. And along with her the hope that I started to build up in my heart.
I'm gutted by her loss. I miss her presence. Her personality, her spirit. The pain that has been left in her wake is so physical, so enormous. I find myself doubled over at times, breathe gone and throat caught. My hope is in tatters. This pain, this grief is such a heavy burden. I feel guilty that I couldn't save her. That I couldn't save us. I feel at a loss. I feel shaken that one of my anchors to this world h as been ripped away and so suddenly.
When you have something like RSD, and to the degree that I do, you don't have a large social circle. I've left for weeks at a time and no ones noticed. I have my family, my husband, my children and my parents, siblings but aside from that, I don't have any people that notice that I'm around. I'm more of a ghost at this point in time. RSD has erased me. To lose my sweet German, to lose my daily companion that cared and depended on me is so difficult.
I'm grieving. I'm in a flare. I'm sick. I'm worried by how very sick I am. My body doesn't want to function. I'm tired. I wish that four letter word would just east up...because I know the PAIN will never go away.
And oh, this too shall pass
This loneliness won't last for long
...
So when you hear my voice
And when you hear my name
May it never give you pain
Cause I don't wanna go
But it's time to leave
Gale Song ~ The Lumineers
