Sometimes I feel like I have to be Superwoman. I get exhausted by trying to be the normal version of me. My pain levels are crazy. The bass of a song feels like someone is throwing a hard punch repeatedly into my body. The slight bump from the little old lady with her shopping cart at the grocery store feels like a car wreck. The wild and fierce hug from my little ones feel like razor blades and crushing love all at the same time.
That said, I hate showing my pain, my vulnerability, my weakness in public to strangers, to friends, to loved ones. I carry with me the golden rule of skating - you fall in competition, you get right back up with that smile plastered to your face and you keep going as if nothing happened. It didn't matter if the fall was a small bounce, a bone jarring knock or a bone breaking crash - the end result was the same. You brush it off as if it never happened, it did NOT bother you at all and you smiled. There is a video of me competing in Buffalo and I fell on my opening jump - I followed the golden rule and popped right back up, smiled and continued on with the rest of my program. I skated a clean program the rest of the way, smiling, landing clean jumps and made sure to curtsy to both the judges and the audience at the end of the program. I skated off the ice and the video follows me as I get my skate guards from my coach, who you can see if asking me a question. The video ends with me nodding curtly with a smile still plastered on my face as I stride away in the direction of the lobby. I remember that competition. I placed second. I also fractured my pinkie and sprained my wrist and heaven forbid I let anyone see me cry.
Maybe I would be better off if I could let people in a little more. I work hard to make sure that I don't limp, that I don't whine about my pain, that I don't go on and on about my disease...I come from quite the genealogical stock of stiff upper lip and not so fuzzy trait folks. English, Russian, German and Cherokee....I'm more ready to not let on that my limb has fallen off than let on that something hurts. I hate letting my daughter see me hurt too often. It's inevitable that she'll know I'm in pain, that I hurt, that it's a bad day for mommy at times, but I don't want that to shade her days with too much gray. I think that it's selfish of me to let it color her world too much if I can help it.
So, I do my best to prop myself up when I'm in public and I nod, I smile, I try to protect myself from the people around me and I try to talk to no one. I avoid questions and when people ask how I am, I smile and usually make some banal comment on the weather or how I'm such a lucky mum- because that part is true. I don't want to depress people and let them know that this little outing took all morning to get the courage and energy up for, and that it will have wiped me out. That I have to be extremely careful how I do things because I find myself in tears easily due to pain these days and please for the love of all that's holy do not try to hug me.
That is why I feel like I have to be Superwoman. I feel like I need the armour, the bulletproof shell to go out in public to deal with strangers and all of the potential dangers that are out there. With my spinal cord stimulator and the scar tissue issues I have, I cannot easily move these days, especially reaching overhead. This is just one of the problems that I have to deal with along with the RSD itself.
My daughter has a supergirl outfit that she wore for Halloween a few years ago. She loves playing dress up and that one has been back in rotation along with her princess gowns as of late. Maybe I should get one in my size so that I can proudly wear my SuperWoman status. If nothing else it would help me keep that safety bubble around me when I'm out and about - people would think twice about getting too close to that middle age mom in the SuperWoman costume....ha! Maybe I just solved part of my problem! I always get so nervous about people being too close to me. That could do it!
Maybe I need to stop trying to be quite so stoic. Maybe I need to let on to others a bit more when I'm struggling, when I'm having a bad day, when I'm in pain. I just have a hard time letting go. I think it's the dam effect. I have this wall built up, to protect me. I'm afraid that if I start to let down my guard, if I start to share more, I feel a bit too much, and the dam will burst - and quite frankly I don't think I can survive all of those emotions.
That said, I hate showing my pain, my vulnerability, my weakness in public to strangers, to friends, to loved ones. I carry with me the golden rule of skating - you fall in competition, you get right back up with that smile plastered to your face and you keep going as if nothing happened. It didn't matter if the fall was a small bounce, a bone jarring knock or a bone breaking crash - the end result was the same. You brush it off as if it never happened, it did NOT bother you at all and you smiled. There is a video of me competing in Buffalo and I fell on my opening jump - I followed the golden rule and popped right back up, smiled and continued on with the rest of my program. I skated a clean program the rest of the way, smiling, landing clean jumps and made sure to curtsy to both the judges and the audience at the end of the program. I skated off the ice and the video follows me as I get my skate guards from my coach, who you can see if asking me a question. The video ends with me nodding curtly with a smile still plastered on my face as I stride away in the direction of the lobby. I remember that competition. I placed second. I also fractured my pinkie and sprained my wrist and heaven forbid I let anyone see me cry.
Maybe I would be better off if I could let people in a little more. I work hard to make sure that I don't limp, that I don't whine about my pain, that I don't go on and on about my disease...I come from quite the genealogical stock of stiff upper lip and not so fuzzy trait folks. English, Russian, German and Cherokee....I'm more ready to not let on that my limb has fallen off than let on that something hurts. I hate letting my daughter see me hurt too often. It's inevitable that she'll know I'm in pain, that I hurt, that it's a bad day for mommy at times, but I don't want that to shade her days with too much gray. I think that it's selfish of me to let it color her world too much if I can help it.
So, I do my best to prop myself up when I'm in public and I nod, I smile, I try to protect myself from the people around me and I try to talk to no one. I avoid questions and when people ask how I am, I smile and usually make some banal comment on the weather or how I'm such a lucky mum- because that part is true. I don't want to depress people and let them know that this little outing took all morning to get the courage and energy up for, and that it will have wiped me out. That I have to be extremely careful how I do things because I find myself in tears easily due to pain these days and please for the love of all that's holy do not try to hug me.
That is why I feel like I have to be Superwoman. I feel like I need the armour, the bulletproof shell to go out in public to deal with strangers and all of the potential dangers that are out there. With my spinal cord stimulator and the scar tissue issues I have, I cannot easily move these days, especially reaching overhead. This is just one of the problems that I have to deal with along with the RSD itself.
My daughter has a supergirl outfit that she wore for Halloween a few years ago. She loves playing dress up and that one has been back in rotation along with her princess gowns as of late. Maybe I should get one in my size so that I can proudly wear my SuperWoman status. If nothing else it would help me keep that safety bubble around me when I'm out and about - people would think twice about getting too close to that middle age mom in the SuperWoman costume....ha! Maybe I just solved part of my problem! I always get so nervous about people being too close to me. That could do it!
Maybe I need to stop trying to be quite so stoic. Maybe I need to let on to others a bit more when I'm struggling, when I'm having a bad day, when I'm in pain. I just have a hard time letting go. I think it's the dam effect. I have this wall built up, to protect me. I'm afraid that if I start to let down my guard, if I start to share more, I feel a bit too much, and the dam will burst - and quite frankly I don't think I can survive all of those emotions.
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
Bout a home I'll never see
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
Bout a home I'll never see
Superman (It's Not Easy)
Five for Fighting
