I finally made my journey to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland Ohio. It was a whirlwind 3-day trip to trip to finally see Dr. Stanton-Hicks. After reading about his work, hearing about his fabulous doctor-patient style, I was finally going to meet the man in person. I was nervous as to what the meeting would bring...I was trying very hard to not get my hopes up that there would be some magical answer, a wonderful fix to this horrible problem. There was a lot of anticipation and build up to the actual appointments.
The night that I arrived, I was greeted by a fresh blanket of snow in Cleveland with more softly falling. First the first time in I can't remember how long, I looked out at the glittering snow drifting towards the ground and thought how beautiful it looked. I checked in at the guesthouse and pleasantly surprised by the room when I opened the door. I had my own little mini-kitchen, a nice bathroom, 2 queen beds, a desk area, little kitchen table ...basically it was a little apartment. I opened the drapes to look out- as I was on the top floor and the site the greeted me was perfect. I was keyed up - nervous, lonely, unsure and feeling a bit out of place with my feelings....and right across from me - a beautiful old church - softly lit so the stained glass glowed in the night..making the snow falling down even more poetic, and a fountain. It was very calming. I sat at the window and just looked out for the longest time. I let the thoughts that were racing through my mind tick through until they slowed down to a rate that would let me sleep.
Throughout my visit, I found a lot of peace looking out that window to see the stained glass. I spent a lot of time letting the snow fall on my fingertips, feeling the cold on my cheeks...which is so different from the cold down South! I just tried to absorb the moments of peacefulness.... The people that were there were wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Those employed by the Cleveland Clinic were fabulous and those people that I met while riding the shuttles around campus to my appointments. I had encouraging news, disappointing news, disheartening news and hopeful news while at the CC.
Now I am back to every day life and trying to adjust. I am trying to deal with the pain, deal with the idea that I have not been taking good care of myself (well, that I knew - I am where I am) and the damage - some of it- is irreversible. Having to wait another two and a half weeks until I get to see my doctor to discuss the results of the tests and how we will move forward...I hate waiting.
As I try to remember more of what happened after my lumbar sympathetic block, and cope with the people that are haters - I find myself getting swallowed up in the waves of panic and dark. I am always told how strong I am, what a fighter I am, etc. etc. Well, I am running out of fight, losing the spark inside me to carry the banner so to speak. I can't carry this burden on my back...and I know people want to help- but sometimes I need more than a cheerleader on the sidelines. I can't always be the quarterback. I'm tired of getting sacked.
As I say this - I try to think back to the feeling I had, as I sat in my room, with the lights off, my favorite songs playing on my ipod, and watching the snow drift by the glow of the stained glass windows...I had hope and I was free and far from the devils that were chasing me off the cliff. I hope I can find that feeling within me here.... But I am just not sure.
