Some moments in time are etched in your brain, frozen in time, a snapshot in history that cannot be taken away. Some of these moments are the things that keep me churning along in life; the first time I saw my children's faces and held them in my arms, the look on my husbands face as I walked up the aisle, my great-grandmothers strong hands that could crack walnuts two at a time. I know exactly what my daughter wore the first day of preschool - the blue and white checked pinafore dress with embroidered flowers, white t-strap sandals and her hair in a french braid like a headband. Just like these wonderful moments that I can picture so vividly, I can also picture some of the most awful, horrific and unjust moments in my life with such clarity too. I have total recall on what I wore, the words spoken, it's like Alice down the rabbit hole. Tonight I find myself falling back down into that Swamp, that gator threatening to chomp me.
One would think that working in higher education, particularly for Law Schools, that discrimination would be something that would be abhorred. In my former life, as I fought against the beast that is RSD, I worked on behalf of law schools in higher ed and was quite good at what I did. I worked for many different universities and eventually found myself in the swampy South. While my body continued to decline and the RSD continued to take hold and takeover my work ethic propelled me forward. My University offered bonuses if you hit your goals - I hit my goals and earned my bonuses. While being on the road was a challenge and broke my body down, I requested small accommodations. When returning from a trip, rather than filling in my data on the computer at my office sitting in my very uncomfortable chair, I requested to do so in the comfort of my own home where I could elevate my legs and help recover faster. I wasn't needed in the office - my phone was already forwarded to my cell, I didn't answer any office needs, however this was seen as "different" and I would come to find that "different" simply wasn't done.
My boss loathed the Monday morning pow-wow meetings. Rather than go over one morning without her requisite Mountain Dew, I was sent in her stead to take notes. As I sat there in my charcoal grey skirt suit with the pale blue silk tank from Ann Taylor Loft with the blue leather portfolio I was in for the shock of my life. One of our head HR directors came bounding in the room cheering that the Saints had won the Super Bowl - hooray. She was so happy (whoopy). She then proceeded to announce that performance reviews were coming up and she had some reminders for us all. It was very important to note that if you wanted to fire someone for a medical reason do not list it on the performance review itself, however if you do, NO WORRIES! She can work around it and take care of firing said persons.
I remembered feeling numb and driving back to my office knowing that the words spoken at the meeting most certainly did not bode well for me. My boss had already told me that our University "did not like people like me". I could not join in the office running club and I was told that I was standoffish as a result. When I explained that I had a medical condition that prevented me from doing so, it was all downhill from there. She went out of her way to punish me. Less than 2 hours later the woman that had been waving pom-poms, a woman minority came into my office and slid a letter across my desk buying me out of my contract and voiding my retirement in the process. My RSD was frowned upon. Never mind that I had hit all of my goals while there, that I had raised the most money ever for their Law School, no, no, my disease was really getting in the way of....well. I'm still not sure to this day. I just know that as soon as it came to light, I was knocked down and punished.
You would think in this day and age, at a major SEC university that bullying and discriminating against someone with a disability would be a major no no. Something that could not possibly happen. Unfortunately I was systematically targeted and done away with. My boss continued with the bullying and when I was up for a position at a new University I was the number 1 candidate, told that I could expect an offer letter in the next day, only to get dropped after they spoke with her. She was like a cat batting a mouse. She wanted to enjoy torturing me before making sure I was dead.
To this day I hate that Swamp in the South. The precious football program imploded and I couldn't help but smile. I get sick to my stomach when I think about what they did to me. The dirty underhanded discrimination that took place. That I was taken advantage of. The retirement money alone that I lost makes me want to weep. Really what makes me so angry is the sense of self that they ripped away. They looked at my disease and decided I was less of a person and did away with me because of that. Never mind I brought in more money than they ever had seen before in history, never mind I hit all of my goals, never mind I am a real person outside of my disease. They were WRONG. What they did was wrong and it was a violation. It violated me. It stripped away my confidence. It stripped away my faith in people. It changed my outlook on so many things.
More than anything I wish I could go back to that girl. That girl that was so sad she couldn't change herself. Couldn't fix her disease. That girl that hit every mark, jumped every hurdle, hit every goal and was still told she was worthless and dumped like trash because they were bigger, they could. Let her know they are the dirty ones. They are the weak ones. I want to hug her. I want to help her keep her head up. I want to let her know that she should sue them. That even thought they are a giant, David slew Goliath. I want her to not let this define her for so long. To not let this eat away at her spirit, her sense of self. They are the wrong ones. Karma will catch them. She can look in the mirror and know that she did everything she could, can they?
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Love the way you lie ~ Eminem feat. Rihanna
One would think that working in higher education, particularly for Law Schools, that discrimination would be something that would be abhorred. In my former life, as I fought against the beast that is RSD, I worked on behalf of law schools in higher ed and was quite good at what I did. I worked for many different universities and eventually found myself in the swampy South. While my body continued to decline and the RSD continued to take hold and takeover my work ethic propelled me forward. My University offered bonuses if you hit your goals - I hit my goals and earned my bonuses. While being on the road was a challenge and broke my body down, I requested small accommodations. When returning from a trip, rather than filling in my data on the computer at my office sitting in my very uncomfortable chair, I requested to do so in the comfort of my own home where I could elevate my legs and help recover faster. I wasn't needed in the office - my phone was already forwarded to my cell, I didn't answer any office needs, however this was seen as "different" and I would come to find that "different" simply wasn't done.
My boss loathed the Monday morning pow-wow meetings. Rather than go over one morning without her requisite Mountain Dew, I was sent in her stead to take notes. As I sat there in my charcoal grey skirt suit with the pale blue silk tank from Ann Taylor Loft with the blue leather portfolio I was in for the shock of my life. One of our head HR directors came bounding in the room cheering that the Saints had won the Super Bowl - hooray. She was so happy (whoopy). She then proceeded to announce that performance reviews were coming up and she had some reminders for us all. It was very important to note that if you wanted to fire someone for a medical reason do not list it on the performance review itself, however if you do, NO WORRIES! She can work around it and take care of firing said persons.
I remembered feeling numb and driving back to my office knowing that the words spoken at the meeting most certainly did not bode well for me. My boss had already told me that our University "did not like people like me". I could not join in the office running club and I was told that I was standoffish as a result. When I explained that I had a medical condition that prevented me from doing so, it was all downhill from there. She went out of her way to punish me. Less than 2 hours later the woman that had been waving pom-poms, a woman minority came into my office and slid a letter across my desk buying me out of my contract and voiding my retirement in the process. My RSD was frowned upon. Never mind that I had hit all of my goals while there, that I had raised the most money ever for their Law School, no, no, my disease was really getting in the way of....well. I'm still not sure to this day. I just know that as soon as it came to light, I was knocked down and punished.
You would think in this day and age, at a major SEC university that bullying and discriminating against someone with a disability would be a major no no. Something that could not possibly happen. Unfortunately I was systematically targeted and done away with. My boss continued with the bullying and when I was up for a position at a new University I was the number 1 candidate, told that I could expect an offer letter in the next day, only to get dropped after they spoke with her. She was like a cat batting a mouse. She wanted to enjoy torturing me before making sure I was dead.
To this day I hate that Swamp in the South. The precious football program imploded and I couldn't help but smile. I get sick to my stomach when I think about what they did to me. The dirty underhanded discrimination that took place. That I was taken advantage of. The retirement money alone that I lost makes me want to weep. Really what makes me so angry is the sense of self that they ripped away. They looked at my disease and decided I was less of a person and did away with me because of that. Never mind I brought in more money than they ever had seen before in history, never mind I hit all of my goals, never mind I am a real person outside of my disease. They were WRONG. What they did was wrong and it was a violation. It violated me. It stripped away my confidence. It stripped away my faith in people. It changed my outlook on so many things.
More than anything I wish I could go back to that girl. That girl that was so sad she couldn't change herself. Couldn't fix her disease. That girl that hit every mark, jumped every hurdle, hit every goal and was still told she was worthless and dumped like trash because they were bigger, they could. Let her know they are the dirty ones. They are the weak ones. I want to hug her. I want to help her keep her head up. I want to let her know that she should sue them. That even thought they are a giant, David slew Goliath. I want her to not let this define her for so long. To not let this eat away at her spirit, her sense of self. They are the wrong ones. Karma will catch them. She can look in the mirror and know that she did everything she could, can they?
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Love the way you lie ~ Eminem feat. Rihanna
