Grief is a funny and fickle emotion. It sucks you in. A sucker punch of emotions really. It doesn’t matter what you are feeling at the moment, it completely distorts and turns it all to shades of grey and pale. Pushing the invisible disease rock up the hill is difficult enough, but grief, oh grief...
I was lucky enough to find a shiny wonderful unicorn in life. After losing nearly all of my close friends after my disease set in, my best friend and I found one another. Two spoonies. We had different illnesses but the same sarcastic sense of humor, love of French fries, the ability to weave the word “fuck” into a sentence so that it sounded eloquent and we just spoke the same language. We didn’t back down, we loved the underdog, we were two peas in a pod. She called me her cosmic twin and the name stuck. “Love you Comsmic Twin” or “Love you CT” was the sign off to texts, emails and phone conversations.
In June I had my phone light up with her caller ID as I was strolling through my neighborhood with my kids. We were stopped at our free little library as I answered the call. “Hi, I know, I know, I suck! I didn’t pick up your call last night but I was putting the little guy to bed and fell asleep too!!”....I didn’t hear her laugh...and then I heard something that confused my brain even more. The conversation is painful to say the least....but my best friends partner called me using her phone to let me know she was gone. That they needed me to know. They were so sorry. In a daze I remember asking where she went. None of it registered to me. To this day I feel bad that I caused him pain I that moment with that reply.
My best friend was gone. It didn’t seem possible. We had one of the deepest and most real conversations when we last spoke. I am forever grateful that I got to tell her how much she meant to me. That I was so grateful for her friendship. I didn’t know it was goodbye. I didn’t know how sick she was. She told me how ill she felt....but as spoonies, that isn’t an uncommon thing.
I’ve been paralyzed for the past 4 months since her death. The thought of writing seemed overwhelming. To try to put into words any of my emotions seemed too daunting. She was too important to my life. The grief too great. The emotions too raw. How could I do her memory justice?
So I start here. With a small story. An acknowledgment of how deep my grief is. How incredibly deep and tragic the grief is. Here’s to feeling a little bit better tomorrow.
I’ll tell you one thin
We ain’t gonna change love
The sun still raises
Even with the pain
~ Another Story
Head and the Heart
I was lucky enough to find a shiny wonderful unicorn in life. After losing nearly all of my close friends after my disease set in, my best friend and I found one another. Two spoonies. We had different illnesses but the same sarcastic sense of humor, love of French fries, the ability to weave the word “fuck” into a sentence so that it sounded eloquent and we just spoke the same language. We didn’t back down, we loved the underdog, we were two peas in a pod. She called me her cosmic twin and the name stuck. “Love you Comsmic Twin” or “Love you CT” was the sign off to texts, emails and phone conversations.
In June I had my phone light up with her caller ID as I was strolling through my neighborhood with my kids. We were stopped at our free little library as I answered the call. “Hi, I know, I know, I suck! I didn’t pick up your call last night but I was putting the little guy to bed and fell asleep too!!”....I didn’t hear her laugh...and then I heard something that confused my brain even more. The conversation is painful to say the least....but my best friends partner called me using her phone to let me know she was gone. That they needed me to know. They were so sorry. In a daze I remember asking where she went. None of it registered to me. To this day I feel bad that I caused him pain I that moment with that reply.
My best friend was gone. It didn’t seem possible. We had one of the deepest and most real conversations when we last spoke. I am forever grateful that I got to tell her how much she meant to me. That I was so grateful for her friendship. I didn’t know it was goodbye. I didn’t know how sick she was. She told me how ill she felt....but as spoonies, that isn’t an uncommon thing.
I’ve been paralyzed for the past 4 months since her death. The thought of writing seemed overwhelming. To try to put into words any of my emotions seemed too daunting. She was too important to my life. The grief too great. The emotions too raw. How could I do her memory justice?
So I start here. With a small story. An acknowledgment of how deep my grief is. How incredibly deep and tragic the grief is. Here’s to feeling a little bit better tomorrow.
I’ll tell you one thin
We ain’t gonna change love
The sun still raises
Even with the pain
~ Another Story
Head and the Heart
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